Bruce Vilanch's Oscar-Worthy Laugh Lines

"I think the world of Bruce. I would not be half as funny as I've been over the years without him."

-- Whoopi Goldberg

Fine Crystal
On March 26, 2000, ABC will air the 72nd annual Academy Awards. This year will mark comedy writer Bruce Vilanch's 11th time authoring this "show of shows." As head writer, he teams with Billy Crystal who will be returning to host the telecast after a 1-year absence.

Vilanch and Crystal are no strangers. Vilanch's prior Academy Awards pairings with Crystal were nothing short of brilliant and garnered Vilanch two Emmy Awards. This year promises to be no less hilarious.

Speaking of the Emmy's, Vilanch has written for both the Primetime and Daytime Emmy's over the past several years. And did I mention the Grammy's, Tony's, People's Choice, and SAG Awards? He has also delivered punch lines for a slew of Hollywood's best-known funny people.

I caught up with Vilanch on the set of "Hollywood Squares" where he's the show's head scribe. He's charged with coming up with the witty retorts that the stars use when answering questions. He also does double duty as one of the show's most popular personalities.

X's and O's
About a dozen people are crammed together on the side of the "Hollywood Squares" set. The audience is cheering and we are just minutes away from the first taping.

Next to me, Center Square Whoopi Goldberg is chatting with this week's guests Rosie O'Donnell, Cheech Marin, Brad Garrett, Gilbert Gottfried, Harry Hamlin, Jennifer Grant, and Caroline Rhea. Host Tom Bergeron is also there, along with my friend, NBC "Just Shoot Me" co-star Enrico Colantoni.

Then I see Vilanch. It would be almost impossible to miss him: Big and burley with a shock of blond curly hair and red glasses to accent it all. His mug is fast becoming as familiar as the stars for whom he writes. His glasses alone are legendary. But it is Vilanch's sharp wit that has earned him industry acclaim and national recognition.

You Bette Your Life
Thirty years ago, while working as a features reporter for the Chicago Tribune, Vilanch interviewed a new singer who was making a big splash in a Chicago nightclub.

Relatively unknown, the singer was bawdy, smart, and talented beyond reason. Her name was Bette Midler.

Vilanch tells me that the two of them hit it off from the get go. And at the end of the interview, Midler said: "That was a very fun interview, you got any lines?"

They've been working together ever since.

Over the ensuing decades, Vilanch has co-written all of Midler's stage and television appearances.

Of Midler, Vilanch says, "She is fabulous. The excitement never stops. She never ceases to amaze me."

The pair just wrapped the Divine Miss Millennium Tour in Las Vegas.

But would there have been a Midler without a Vilanch?

Vilanch says, "We joke about it all the time -- who invented who? We're similar. She's certainly been a tremendous influence in my career and in my life. And I in her's, apparently."

But Vilanch is quick to note that Midler's star would have risen with or without him.

He says, "Bette Midler would have been a big star whether I was involved with her or not, it would have been a different kind of success. But I mean she's so talented. I don't know if I would be this successful had I not met her."

Mouth-To-Mouth Recitation
Although Vilanch has worked extensively with Midler, he's also penned for a legion of other big name stars: Whoopi Goldberg, Lily Tomlin, Shirley MacLaine, George Carlin, Cher, Ann-Margret, Michael Crawford, Paul Reiser, Nathan Lane, Andrea Martin, Bea Arthur, David Hyde Pierce, Nell Carter, Joel Grey, Angela Lansbury, Robin Williams, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Joan Rivers, Michael Feinstein and Donny and Marie have all profited from the Bruce Vilanch humor mill.

I ask Vilanch how he can write for such a diverse group of personas. Cher, Lily Tomlin and Joan Rivers -- all very different performers. How is he able to capture their distinct brands of humor and keep it authentic?

Vilanch says, "I listen to people and their style. How they deliver a line. I study their persona I try to get the rhythm of their voice."

And how does he find inspiration for their material?

Vilanch admits that, "Panic is the mother of invention. The deadline looms and I get inspired, but that's my journalism training. Being funny is having a certain view of the world. You develop a world view from your circumstances."

Funny Business
"They send me really filthy ones. Too dirty to wear on the air." Vilanch is describing the inscriptions on the t-shirts that fans send for him to wear on the syndicated celebrity game show "Squares."

We are sitting in the Green Room now between tapings at the CBS Studios in Hollywood. A buffet table laden with eats from Wolfgang Puck's renowned Spago is being picked over by the "Squares" guests and their families. Harry Hamlin and wife Lisa Rinna hurry by in hot pursuit of their wayward toddler.

Vilanch and I are managing to talk and eat at the same time.

Although Vilanch is a comic staple within the entertainment industry, it is only recently that he has hit it big with the general public.

Today, Vilanch's glasses, t-shirts, mop of hair, his very own documentary in theatrical distribution ("Get Bruce!") and "Hollywood Squares" are making him a bon-a -fide celebrity in his own right.

Does he get recognized?

"All the time." Vilanch says, adding " I always got looked at but not recognized."

And what is celebrity like?

He says fame can be "very strange because I've seen it from all three sides. I was a journalist, I was in the entourage, then I became the center of attention."

And although Vilanch likes being in the spotlight best (and who can blame him), he says that it has made him more careful in public.

Vilanch tells me "I was on a plane the other day and somebody was doing something very annoying and I realized that if I complained about it, I would be the bad guy. So, I had to sit and let someone else complain about it. You don't want people to hate you and they'll remember you for that."

The Punch Line
"It's very funny," Vilanch tells me. "When the documentary came out they said it was very superficial." He said the critics' main complaint with "Get Bruce!" was that the audience didn't get to know the "real" Vilanch.

But, Vilanch contends, "There isn't much people don't know about me. You pretty much are seeing it."

I bid Vilanch goodbye at the end of the interview. He has two more shows to tape in the afternoon and I have the arduous task of capturing an ounce of Vilanch's larger-than-life personality in the confines of only one column.

On the way out, I spot CBS' "Everybody Loves Raymond" co-star Brad Garrett and ABC's "Sabrina: The Teenage Witch" co-star Caroline Rhea. Hoping to get inspiration from them, I ask them what they think of Vilanch.

Garrett in his classic deadpan tells me that Vilanch is "A lab experiment gone very awry." But adds warmly, "He's a brilliant writer and a one hell of a fisherman."

Rhea concurs with the praise and says, "People come up to me and they say 'I love the show, I love Whoopi and I love the funny furry one." The "funny furry one" being Vilanch, of course.

I thank both of them and the actors hurry back to the set. They are about to start the show.

I make my way down the corridor and out of the studio. Behind me, a roar of laughter erupts from the "Squares" set. One of the stars has just cracked a joke that has been met with great approval.

I smile. Once again, Bruce Vilanch gets the last laugh.

Watch out for Bruce Vilanch!
Vilanch's handiwork may be viewed on the American Comedy Awards, the Oscars, and the Tony's this year.

"Get Bruce!" is available in video stores in February 2000.

Vilanch will also appear in a one-man show at New York's Westbeth Theatre Center at 151 Bank Street in New York on April 24 and continue through June 10. Call (212)741-0391 for more information or check out Vilanch's Web site at www.brucevilanch.com.

What's The Buzz?

Head Tripp. Linda Tripp's literary agent says it looks like her client got a head transplant. Reportedly, the National Enquirer will print pics of the new and improved Tripp and detail her extensive plastic surgery -- including a nose job, chin tuck, neck reduction, facial peel, and liposuction. The anticipation is killing me.

Star Grazing